Quoting Aurorin2:

Since 2004 I have been a member of at least one online dating website, sometimes, as many as three simultaneously. I figured I needed to throw my net wide. No distance was too far and nothing went unexplored. Unfortunately, in my zeal to master this dating situation, I ran into the lowest life form of the online dating world: the online scammer.

Up until this year, I had been renewing my membership with a certain “harmonious” organization that insists upon matching its members based upon certain principles that its creator has determined are the foundation of a successful marriage. I chose this particular site because I liked the idea of being matched instead of searching through pictures and reading biographies of pretty men without any writing skills, extremely attractive men whose egos matched their standards (unrealistic), and average-looking men who had nothing to say. My matches, it would seem, would have something in common with me right off the bat. I could save time with eliminating the unemployed, the still married, the ex-cons, the unfaithful, the uneducated, and the uncouth, and could look for some chemistry immediately with the men that were supposedly my matches. I know that my personality is the driving force to the success or failure of my romantic relationships, so I liked that I wouldn’t be allowed to see pictures at first. The photos were a distraction. I sincerely wanted to choose the right man from the inside out. I know more than 80% of the profiles I’ve read on this site say the same thing, but I really mean it. Because, as a famous television judge says frequently, “beauty fades, but stupid is forever”. Those words have become more significant to me now. At first, I went into this online dating with such trepidation because I knew I don’t fit the standard norms of beauty and I think that self-destructive thinking made most of my experiences less than harmonious. Eventually, I realized that not every man is right for me nor am I right for every man and there is no shame in that. People keep creating new flavors of ice cream for this very same reason: some people were interested in something other than the standard vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
Some people will eat nothing but one flavor, some a few, and there are some that will eat any ice cream because they just love ice cream. I used to think I was more like the latter, but realize I am more like former. When I went into dating with less apprehension, thinking that if someone liked my flavor he would probably want to get to know me better, I wasn’t too shy about cyber-approaching my preferred matches. Those who appreciated me, advanced to the next level and those who weren’t interested, rejected me and I moved on. Most of the time, however, it was I who was rebuking offers. It seems there are men out there who do like my flavor. After they would express initial interest in me, I would reveal my picture. Many times, after a few in-depth questions, I would scamper away like a frightened bunny from the gentleman, labeling him as a “loser”, “creep”, an “arrogant a**” or, my favorite, an “idiot”. I was very unnecessarily judgmental back then. I wasn’t addressing the real problem, which was, for me none of the dating sites addressed all of my personal needs. Beyond the common desire to meet someone who was honest, strong, educated, kind, generous, intelligent, and employed, I was also looking for an interracial relationship. I was open to the possibility of meeting and falling in love with any “good man”, but I think that, as I said before, when I like something, I want to stick with that. I’ll admit that I do not have much of a sense of adventure sometimes. I feel very fortunate to be able to say that my entire life, my love has known no bounds. I loved whomever it was I loved in spite of the ridicule, the harassment, and the lack of support from our friends and/or family. I did what came natural to me: loved. And, for some reason, since adulthood, I crave that intercultural/interracial experience. It’s not curiosity or fetish. I love this so much that I dedicated my life to it both emotionally and professionally. Talking and writing about issues of race and ethnicity is how I make my living. But, I digress…

In 2008, I was having a particularly good year. I was traveling for the summer doing research and getting paid for it and that’s when I found this site (more about that in a future rant). For my birthday, I renewed my membership with that aforementioned online dating site for one full year, cash up front. Within a few days, I had more matches that actually seemed like they were right for me than I had ever had over the course of the 4 years. There were so many quality matches that I would literally have to dedicate a few hours nightly to go through each one’s profile to determine if I wanted to continue forward with any of them. (It might interest you to know that when I finally ended my relationship with that website, I had deleted the profiles of over 1500 men in 13 months!) Now, it was recommended that the members hide their pictures until later in the process, but most men want their pictures to be seen from the beginning. I had been good to not look carefully at the pictures, to just read what the members said about themselves. But, one day, I opened my account and was greeted by what I can only call “the most beautiful man I have ever seen”, and much like the story by García Márquez, nothing was exactly what it seemed and I was so moved by his beauty that I wanted to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do for a stranger: trust him. I am not even going to go into the courtship, but I am going to mention certain things he said and did because I want to warn anyone who reads this about online scammers. They are an organized network of criminals and not individuals, most of the time. The lucky thing is ever since being scammed by “Jeff”, that was the name he gave me, I have become both a crusader and a self-described scam buster. I comb through online dating websites searching for suspicious profiles and I alert the owners of the site. I have sent IM about 17 suspicious profiles and all have checked out as scammers. I have a 100% rate of correctness. (Where is my free months’ membership for having helped you out IM?)

“Jeff” was ethnically an Arab. All the pictures he posted on his site were of this beautifully proportioned man, with well-coifed hair, and smooth brown skin. He told me he was half English and half Irani (now those of you who are paying close attention notice this is clue #1 of a scammer: scammers are consummate liars, but not necessarily good ones. Iranis are not Arabs, but Persians). He told me he lived in Texas but was in Toronto at the moment on business (Clue #2: profile location and actual location are never the same). He gave me a last name, I did do a Google search, but not right away, but when I did, the information he gave me did not seem correct. (Clue #3: scammers always give you a full name; full names are an instant “no-no”; they give their last name so that you will give yours). His last name was Anglo, another cause for suspicion. He explained that his father anglicized his name when he left Iran during the Revolution. (Not likely, but at the time I thought believable.)

We began communicating through the website, then, I gave him one of my email addresses. We chatted for the first time using Yahoo! Messenger and he seemed absolutely bored as well as boring. We couldn’t get beyond that annoying functioning illiterate text-type of “how R U?”, “wat u doin?” or “where R U now?” He was not as I expected him to be. Then, just as I was dismissing him, he became lively and behaved like a new man. The communication is an essential part of the scam. He needs to build your trust quickly. So, everything happens really fast. In no time at all he was calling me several times a day; he was writing me (horrible) love poems; and wanted me to fall in love with him, he said. He was looking for a second opportunity for love after having his heart broken. (Clue #4 the hurried “love”: Time is money to the scammer, so he needs you to fall for him tout de suite. So, he will confess his love for you quite early.)

The first time we spoke on the phone his accent gave him away. I was indeed speaking to an Arab, not a Persian. So, to test him, I asked him if his father had taught him Arabic or did he only speak English. Of course, he told me that he didn’t speak Arabic because his mother was English and they only spoke English at home. Yes, I know Iranis speak Farsi and not Arabic. (Clue #5 Voice or accent is “foreign” and/or is unable to speak English very well, though the writing may be perfect.) I began interrogating him (and this is actually when I googled him). He figured the jig was up and after that called several times a day but actually spoke to me less than 2 minutes every time. I asked him for more pictures and he sent about 3 or 4 more pictures, including one of his “son”. The pictures of him were NOT of the same man with whom I had believed I was communicating. He had told me that he was divorced and that his wife had remarried and that the only reason he stayed in Texas was because he wanted to be near his son. The picture of the “son” was of an ivory-skinned, blond boy with blue eyes. (Clue #6: the scammer never has recent pictures of himself and the ones he sends are entirely suspicious.) The pictures almost always are pictures they have collected from previous victims. Some pictures are simply stolen from the internet, from personal webpages and they aren’t aware that there are people like “Jeff” using their likeness for their scams. Coming through this website, I found several of the same pictures in different men’s profiles. Scammers know not to make those pictures the main picture, so always look through all the pictures they offer. And, some of the scammers here are not even particularly intelligent: several have used pictures of well-known entertainers!

I need to mention that scammers almost always have a sad story—my wife left me and took my kids; wife died and now I have to raise my son/daughter alone—that will be revealed once they feel comfortable with you. Then the coup de grace, “Jeff” was going on a “business trip” after which he would come to see me, and we’d have our very first face-to-face visit. He was supposedly just traveling to London, but somehow ended up in Nigeria. Okay, you’ve caught on too. The last clues #7-10: the sad story, the business trip, the promise to visit after the visit, the re-route to Nigeria. and the-please-send-money call. “Jeff” kept in touch with me during his business trip. He called at least twice a day. He sent emails more often. He had some lame excuse for why he followed some Nigerian businessman back to his country to make some sort of “deal” and now, he said, he was stuck in Nigeria. They had confiscated his passport because he couldn’t pay his hotel bill because his AMEX was not accepted in Nigeria. Could I please send him money. Don’t despair, fair reader, I certainly DID NOT send him money. (BTW, he asked for $3000.) By this time, I had already figured out he was a scammer, though I didn’t want to believe I had fallen for it and waited until the money call to confirm it. I told him that I didn’t have any money and he got furious. He said he knew I had lots of money and I should help him, but then he calmed down and said that he knew better than to ask a woman. This guy was good. He wanted to pluck those feminist heart strings. He knew I was very adamant about gender equality, etc. But, I laughed. I told him to get money from his friends in London. He told me that he couldn’t believe I would be so stingy with my money and that he earned enough money to (get this) “maintain 10 wives”. He was losing it. It didn’t matter. I reported him to the website. And they removed him and warned me to check my credit for any hits. I hadn’t given him any vital information, so I wasn’t hit as hard as other victims. Only my pride had been hurt.

A friend of mine was also lucky. She met “Jay” on another dating site and he was local. His online pictures were very nice, but in person, he didn’t look like that person. They went out often. He met the friends. He spent hundreds of dollars a week in fancy restaurants (never once paying for her meals). “Jay” would pull out his credit card and be willing to split the check, which she didn’t like. So, not following my advice, she thought she’d guilt him into paying by offering to pay the full amount herself, and he let her do it every time. (She did this more than once.) He was supposedly an international banker and would travel frequently. He wanted to rush into a “relationship” and insisted that she call him her boyfriend and to be exclusive with him. He would often stand her up and not call for days, but he would text her, which was entirely suspicious. She dumped him because she was out of patience and was tired of his excuses. Some months later, a local news report showed his face on TV. He was being sought for identity fraud. It seems that this guy was meeting girls on the same site, dating them, gaining their trust, and meanwhile stealing their SSNs and opening credit cards in their names and other lines of credit. He was engaged with one girl and living with 2 girls simultaneously (neither knew of the existence of the other) while going out with my friend and maintaining a suite in an expensive hotel for himself. Police were asking any women who dated him to come forward. Of course, only a few did (5); they were embarrassed. For about a month they couldn’t even identify this guy. He had used a different name with each girl and had passports issued in each name. There is some suspicion that he may have had more girls in other countries. He had of course committed several Federal crimes, but he also took many nude photos of his victims while they were sleeping or doing other activities with hidden cameras and unnamed accomplices are selling those pictures on the Internet. He is now in police custody and has pled out to avoid a trial, but he has not revealed any part of his network, and it is assumed for lack of evidence that he was acting alone, but that is rare.

If you review the second tale, you’ll see that “Jay” had a very similar scam to Jeff’s. The same clues could have tipped my friend off, if we had put them all together.

Men are not immune or safe from online scammers. I have only heard tales of men being scammed by “women” in Nigeria and the Philippines; they are rarely actually women. And, since everyone is getting hip to the Nigerian scams, they are now using other countries like Australia, Russia, former republics of the USSR, and the Philippines. Be careful out there and remember these 10 clues.

Help out the online dating community. Please add additional clues that I may have missed.

Since 2004 I have been a member of at least one online dating website, sometimes, as many as three simultaneously. I figured I needed to throw my net wide. No distance was too far and nothing went unexplored. Unfortunately, in my zeal to master this dating situation, I ran into the lowest life form of the online dating world: the online scammer.

Up until this year, I had been renewing my membership with a certain “harmonious” organization that insists upon matching its members based upon certain principles that its creator has determined are the foundation of a successful marriage. I chose this particular site because I liked the idea of being matched instead of searching through pictures and reading biographies of pretty men without any writing skills, extremely attractive men whose egos matched their standards (unrealistic), and average-looking men who had nothing to say. My matches, it would seem, would have something in common with me right off the bat. I could save time with eliminating the unemployed, the still married, the ex-cons, the unfaithful, the uneducated, and the uncouth, and could look for some chemistry immediately with the men that were supposedly my matches. I know that my personality is the driving force to the success or failure of my romantic relationships, so I liked that I wouldn’t be allowed to see pictures at first. The photos were a distraction. I sincerely wanted to choose the right man from the inside out. I know more than 80% of the profiles I’ve read on this site say the same thing, but I really mean it. Because, as a famous television judge says frequently, “beauty fades, but stupid is forever”. Those words have become more significant to me now. At first, I went into this online dating with such trepidation because I knew I don’t fit the standard norms of beauty and I think that self-destructive thinking made most of my experiences less than harmonious. Eventually, I realized that not every man is right for me nor am I right for every man and there is no shame in that. People keep creating new flavors of ice cream for this very same reason: some people were interested in something other than the standard vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
Some people will eat nothing but one flavor, some a few, and there are some that will eat any ice cream because they just love ice cream. I used to think I was more like the latter, but realize I am more like former. When I went into dating with less apprehension, thinking that if someone liked my flavor he would probably want to get to know me better, I wasn’t too shy about cyber-approaching my preferred matches. Those who appreciated me, advanced to the next level and those who weren’t interested, rejected me and I moved on. Most of the time, however, it was I who was rebuking offers. It seems there are men out there who do like my flavor. After they would express initial interest in me, I would reveal my picture. Many times, after a few in-depth questions, I would scamper away like a frightened bunny from the gentleman, labeling him as a “loser”, “creep”, an “arrogant a**” or, my favorite, an “idiot”. I was very unnecessarily judgmental back then. I wasn’t addressing the real problem, which was, for me none of the dating sites addressed all of my personal needs. Beyond the common desire to meet someone who was honest, strong, educated, kind, generous, intelligent, and employed, I was also looking for an interracial relationship. I was open to the possibility of meeting and falling in love with any “good man”, but I think that, as I said before, when I like something, I want to stick with that. I’ll admit that I do not have much of a sense of adventure sometimes. I feel very fortunate to be able to say that my entire life, my love has known no bounds. I loved whomever it was I loved in spite of the ridicule, the harassment, and the lack of support from our friends and/or family. I did what came natural to me: loved. And, for some reason, since adulthood, I crave that intercultural/interracial experience. It’s not curiosity or fetish. I love this so much that I dedicated my life to it both emotionally and professionally. Talking and writing about issues of race and ethnicity is how I make my living. But, I digress…

In 2008, I was having a particularly good year. I was traveling for the summer doing research and getting paid for it and that’s when I found this site (more about that in a future rant). For my birthday, I renewed my membership with that aforementioned online dating site for one full year, cash up front. Within a few days, I had more matches that actually seemed like they were right for me than I had ever had over the course of the 4 years. There were so many quality matches that I would literally have to dedicate a few hours nightly to go through each one’s profile to determine if I wanted to continue forward with any of them. (It might interest you to know that when I finally ended my relationship with that website, I had deleted the profiles of over 1500 men in 13 months!) Now, it was recommended that the members hide their pictures until later in the process, but most men want their pictures to be seen from the beginning. I had been good to not look carefully at the pictures, to just read what the members said about themselves. But, one day, I opened my account and was greeted by what I can only call “the most beautiful man I have ever seen”, and much like the story by García Márquez, nothing was exactly what it seemed and I was so moved by his beauty that I wanted to do things I wouldn’t ordinarily do for a stranger: trust him. I am not even going to go into the courtship, but I am going to mention certain things he said and did because I want to warn anyone who reads this about online scammers. They are an organized network of criminals and not individuals, most of the time. The lucky thing is ever since being scammed by “Jeff”, that was the name he gave me, I have become both a crusader and a self-described scam buster. I comb through online dating websites searching for suspicious profiles and I alert the owners of the site. I have sent IM about 17 suspicious profiles and all have checked out as scammers. I have a 100% rate of correctness. (Where is my free months’ membership for having helped you out IM?)

“Jeff” was ethnically an Arab. All the pictures he posted on his site were of this beautifully proportioned man, with well-coifed hair, and smooth brown skin. He told me he was half English and half Irani (now those of you who are paying close attention notice this is clue #1 of a scammer: scammers are consummate liars, but not necessarily good ones. Iranis are not Arabs, but Persians). He told me he lived in Texas but was in Toronto at the moment on business (Clue #2: profile location and actual location are never the same). He gave me a last name, I did do a Google search, but not right away, but when I did, the information he gave me did not seem correct. (Clue #3: scammers always give you a full name; full names are an instant “no-no”; they give their last name so that you will give yours). His last name was Anglo, another cause for suspicion. He explained that his father anglicized his name when he left Iran during the Revolution. (Not likely, but at the time I thought believable.)

We began communicating through the website, then, I gave him one of my email addresses. We chatted for the first time using Yahoo! Messenger and he seemed absolutely bored as well as boring. We couldn’t get beyond that annoying functioning illiterate text-type of “how R U?”, “wat u doin?” or “where R U now?” He was not as I expected him to be. Then, just as I was dismissing him, he became lively and behaved like a new man. The communication is an essential part of the scam. He needs to build your trust quickly. So, everything happens really fast. In no time at all he was calling me several times a day; he was writing me (horrible) love poems; and wanted me to fall in love with him, he said. He was looking for a second opportunity for love after having his heart broken. (Clue #4 the hurried “love”: Time is money to the scammer, so he needs you to fall for him tout de suite. So, he will confess his love for you quite early.)

The first time we spoke on the phone his accent gave him away. I was indeed speaking to an Arab, not a Persian. So, to test him, I asked him if his father had taught him Arabic or did he only speak English. Of course, he told me that he didn’t speak Arabic because his mother was English and they only spoke English at home. Yes, I know Iranis speak Farsi and not Arabic. (Clue #5 Voice or accent is “foreign” and/or is unable to speak English very well, though the writing may be perfect.) I began interrogating him (and this is actually when I googled him). He figured the jig was up and after that called several times a day but actually spoke to me less than 2 minutes every time. I asked him for more pictures and he sent about 3 or 4 more pictures, including one of his “son”. The pictures of him were NOT of the same man with whom I had believed I was communicating. He had told me that he was divorced and that his wife had remarried and that the only reason he stayed in Texas was because he wanted to be near his son. The picture of the “son” was of an ivory-skinned, blond boy with blue eyes. (Clue #6: the scammer never has recent pictures of himself and the ones he sends are entirely suspicious.) The pictures almost always are pictures they have collected from previous victims. Some pictures are simply stolen from the internet, from personal webpages and they aren’t aware that there are people like “Jeff” using their likeness for their scams. Coming through this website, I found several of the same pictures in different men’s profiles. Scammers know not to make those pictures the main picture, so always look through all the pictures they offer. And, some of the scammers here are not even particularly intelligent: several have used pictures of well-known entertainers!

I need to mention that scammers almost always have a sad story—my wife left me and took my kids; wife died and now I have to raise my son/daughter alone—that will be revealed once they feel comfortable with you. Then the coup de grace, “Jeff” was going on a “business trip” after which he would come to see me, and we’d have our very first face-to-face visit. He was supposedly just traveling to London, but somehow ended up in Nigeria. Okay, you’ve caught on too. The last clues #7-10: the sad story, the business trip, the promise to visit after the visit, the re-route to Nigeria. and the-please-send-money call. “Jeff” kept in touch with me during his business trip. He called at least twice a day. He sent emails more often. He had some lame excuse for why he followed some Nigerian businessman back to his country to make some sort of “deal” and now, he said, he was stuck in Nigeria. They had confiscated his passport because he couldn’t pay his hotel bill because his AMEX was not accepted in Nigeria. Could I please send him money. Don’t despair, fair reader, I certainly DID NOT send him money. (BTW, he asked for $3000.) By this time, I had already figured out he was a scammer, though I didn’t want to believe I had fallen for it and waited until the money call to confirm it. I told him that I didn’t have any money and he got furious. He said he knew I had lots of money and I should help him, but then he calmed down and said that he knew better than to ask a woman. This guy was good. He wanted to pluck those feminist heart strings. He knew I was very adamant about gender equality, etc. But, I laughed. I told him to get money from his friends in London. He told me that he couldn’t believe I would be so stingy with my money and that he earned enough money to (get this) “maintain 10 wives”. He was losing it. It didn’t matter. I reported him to the website. And they removed him and warned me to check my credit for any hits. I hadn’t given him any vital information, so I wasn’t hit as hard as other victims. Only my pride had been hurt.

A friend of mine was also lucky. She met “Jay” on another dating site and he was local. His online pictures were very nice, but in person, he didn’t look like that person. They went out often. He met the friends. He spent hundreds of dollars a week in fancy restaurants (never once paying for her meals). “Jay” would pull out his credit card and be willing to split the check, which she didn’t like. So, not following my advice, she thought she’d guilt him into paying by offering to pay the full amount herself, and he let her do it every time. (She did this more than once.) He was supposedly an international banker and would travel frequently. He wanted to rush into a “relationship” and insisted that she call him her boyfriend and to be exclusive with him. He would often stand her up and not call for days, but he would text her, which was entirely suspicious. She dumped him because she was out of patience and was tired of his excuses. Some months later, a local news report showed his face on TV. He was being sought for identity fraud. It seems that this guy was meeting girls on the same site, dating them, gaining their trust, and meanwhile stealing their SSNs and opening credit cards in their names and other lines of credit. He was engaged with one girl and living with 2 girls simultaneously (neither knew of the existence of the other) while going out with my friend and maintaining a suite in an expensive hotel for himself. Police were asking any women who dated him to come forward. Of course, only a few did (5); they were embarrassed. For about a month they couldn’t even identify this guy. He had used a different name with each girl and had passports issued in each name. There is some suspicion that he may have had more girls in other countries. He had of course committed several Federal crimes, but he also took many nude photos of his victims while they were sleeping or doing other activities with hidden cameras and unnamed accomplices are selling those pictures on the Internet. He is now in police custody and has pled out to avoid a trial, but he has not revealed any part of his network, and it is assumed for lack of evidence that he was acting alone, but that is rare.

If you review the second tale, you’ll see that “Jay” had a very similar scam to Jeff’s. The same clues could have tipped my friend off, if we had put them all together.

Men are not immune or safe from online scammers. I have only heard tales of men being scammed by “women” in Nigeria and the Philippines; they are rarely actually women. And, since everyone is getting hip to the Nigerian scams, they are now using other countries like Australia, Russia, former republics of the USSR, and the Philippines. Be careful out there and remember these 10 clues.

Help out the online dating community. Please add additional clues that I may have missed.